I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
