so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize