Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
