Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
