I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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