theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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