I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
