i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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