You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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