is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
