Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
