I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize