the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
