If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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