Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
