she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
