Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
