I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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