You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize