Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
