she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
