My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
