So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
