I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
