Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
