Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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