just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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