Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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