Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
