just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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