and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
