I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
