My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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