Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
