I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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