I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
