Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
