If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize