chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
