sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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