I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
