Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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