God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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