I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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