Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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