Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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