you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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