just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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