Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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