hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
