My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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