Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
