Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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