woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
