Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
