There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
