Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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