I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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