After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
